Goob at you!

Walking past Esther's German Bakery today...
Me: What do you think they serve there? Jews?



Today, I could not
come up with a good haiku.
Damn it. FML.

butts that dongle

It sounds to me like you wanna handcuff the invisible hand of the market. The invisible hand of the market has to be free to go down to Wall Street to give hedge fund managers a reacharound.

But who better to solve the problem than the person who helped create the problem? It's like, if you get cursed by a witch, you have to get the original witch to get the curse off you. Or don't you understand financial fairy tales?

worst sex scene in comics

I think it's sfw, but you may want to avoid it until later anyway.

And then I wrote some of my own

Internet Troll

Disagree some more boy...

I'll start more sparks...

Till the FLAMES burst inside me!

Electrician

Put on that rubber boy...

Otherwise we'll strip the electrons...

Till our CIRCUITS CONNECT!

Librarian

Keep your voice down boy...

I'll organize based on the Dewey decimal system...

Till my shelf is FILLED WITH YOUR BOOKS!

Haiku Writer

Pay attention, boy
I will count all the syllables
until seventeen!!!!

System Administrator

Watch your processes boy...

Otherwise your memory will leak...

Until your server can't handle the load!!!

Late Night Talk Show Host

Listen to my prepared monologue.

Watch me wind up a joke...

and hit you with the punchline!!!

saonethasekbsaotuksoa skh asok osaorkha oskchoaksloakchoaskrcoadklacgdaorkjabojsrtj hasnq htasj nhajs ta hastn jqha snqt hasjntah srq hsra haos ntah sanot h

i can't stop gushing about phoenix wright

i even took a few hours to transcribe some video game music

Dystopian future, Neil Gaimanesque world, I'm in it with a group of people who I can't remember, Eric Mayefsky is in it, which is pretty lol.

Me and a group of 3 people who I know have died, and we get transported to one room. I can't remember quite what the room is like, there's a mound near the end of it against a wall, and I start at the other end near some gravel/pound thing. God pulls a level, and we're flushed out.

We fall into a factory full of conveyor belts, and we run for our lives. When we get out, we're standing on top of a hill, looking at a large fort. One of us (villain/evil dude) looks at the fort and declares that we are going to get our revenge.

We get into the fort somehow. The entire fort is a universe in itself. The world inside there is all indoors, nothing is outdoors. Everything is reasonably constructed, it's not like sewer running or something. There are markets, and certain areas where people live. Typical dystopian setting, people hoard their items, everything is priceless, you forge alliances and trust can easily be broken. As complete newbies to the scene, I try to keep my head down.

There are curfews, retro stores where they sell 20th century technology (but I remember the year being 2003), I have a girl friend who started out in the little bubble room with me. Butters from South Park runs one of these retro stores, he's lonely and has no friends. I run into him at one of the night markets the first night, when I am starving and manage to get some food. I share some with him, and he is eager to make friends, sends me mail with tons of paraphernalia from his video rental store.

There is an event that takes place on Sunday that everyone tries to sign up for, called the Sunday screening. Every time a new screening is announced, people rush to put their names on it. I didn't dream anything else about it.

There are multiple living areas, and people who live within one area move together. Once in a while, our entire area relocates to a new living area. This is a very dangerous process. We take what little we have, pick it up, and try to reach the new destination as quickly as possible. There are robbers and kidnappers all along the way as we run through hallways with doors everywhere.

Mayefsky shows up after I've moved across two areas, and we talk about what's going on. Latest migration involved running through hallways which seemed like a hotel room. Our next living area also has a bathroom like a hotel room's. We also went up some stairs/escalators, with butters' video shop at the top of it. It's funny how vivid I remember Mayefsky, he still talks the same way. "Eh, getting into trouble and getting out of it. Oh yeah, and narrowly avoiding being killed." We talk about some references to whatever bible I've dreamt up, where an angel comes back and stands on a hill, looking at a fortress, declaring that he will get his revenge, which is exactly what I saw after God let me out of the room when I had died.

You are the defense attorney in all the trials.

1. Your defendant tries to confess, and you pick holes in your own defendant's confession to prove his innocence.
2. It's not enough to prove that your client is innocent. You have to prove that the prosecution's witness is guilty.
3. The prosecution and the prosecution's clients are prone to incriminating themselves on purpose.
4. Boobs.

- More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

- Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

- I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

- Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

- I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

- Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

- Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

- There is a great need for sarcasm font.

- Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first saw it.

- I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

- How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

- I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

- I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

- The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

- A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

- LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

- Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

- Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

- How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

- Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

- What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

- While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

- MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

- I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

- Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

- I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

- Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

- I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

- Bad decisions make good stories

- Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

- Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

- If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

- Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....

- You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

- Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

- There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

- I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

- "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

- I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

- I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

- When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

- I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

- Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

- As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

- Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

- It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

- I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

- Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

- Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

- My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

- It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

- I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

- I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

- I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

- That's enough, Nickelback.

it's a thing!

a

Literally, the worst. I am not exaggerating.



If you know of a worse rap, please comment and link. It has to be reasonably mainstream or something.

I am a barbarian off to fight the Prime Evils. The journey has been a hard one, but the worst part is going to barbarian school with my purple shield. I'm worried about what the other barbarians will think of me. Is it a crime to want to vanquish evil in style?

Sincerely,
Harried in Harrogath

She's not just doing back fierce --> houyoku-sen or crouching forward --> houyoku-sen. 10/10

I pulled a hair out of my face. 10/10

The subtitles for the Chinese don't even come close to what they say for the unimportant parts. Still impressed with Kreuk's Chinese. 10/10.

Kristin Kreuk's Mandarin is honestly quite passable. I'm actually pretty impressed. 10/10.

14:19 Vega shows up. Awesome. And Michael Clarke Duncan is Balrog. 10/10 so far.

11:30 in, Kristin Kreuk attempts to speak Cantonese, which doesn't sound fluent, but I don't understand Cantonese. 10/10 so far.

I am 9 minutes in. The actors who are supposed to speak Chinese speak fluent Chinese, and the piano playing is synced very well. 10/10 so far.